We’re not proud that we’re about to cut up people’s baby names, but these celebrities have brought it onto themselves. It’s not the babies we’re after here. It’s the parents. Naming a child is a personal endeavor, but when you’re a celebrity, that child’s name will be printed everywhere. This is a time to be sensible… not weird. We know that regular people give their baby’s stupid names as well, but we don’t care about regular people. We normies aren’t important enough to talk about. Besides, if celebrities get upset about our gentle mocking, they can wipe their tears with the spare $100 bills they have lying around the house.
But let’s not pretend that celebrities don’t give their children ridiculous names at a far greater rate than regular people. Sure, these kids will grow up rich and can buy friends who don’t make fun of them, but how the hell is Penn Jillette‘s kid, Moxie Crimefighter, going to avoid all forms of mockery? What about Jason Lee‘s kid, Pilot Inspektor? That’s just mean. These parents are naming humans as they would video game characters.
It’s not all bad, though. Celebrities are trendsetters, so when they pick a baby name that sounds interesting, it’s usually the beginning of a baby name that will soon be popular. We felt bad anyway. We spend so much time ridiculing, we decided to boost some name choices as well. There were plenty of names to choose from, but we picked both the unique and the names we see as choices other people will like. Obviously, this list is subjective. You’re not going to like all our choices, and we don’t like all your choices. So, we’ll just agree to disagree on those. Here are the 8 Most Cringe-worthy Celeb Baby Names Of 2017 (8 We Want To Steal).
16. CRINGE-WORTHY: Strummer Newcomb Cook
Strummer Newcomb Cook is Julia Stiles and Preston Cook’s baby son. Listen, Strummer is kind of a popular name, but it’s not a good name. We apologize to all the Strummers out there and their relatives, but it’s true. All Strummers were named by hippies. The name Strummer Newcombe is just doubly obnoxious. We’re not sure what the inspiration for the name was, but we expect that the parents are hoping that this child becomes a musician. Why they would wish poverty on their kid is beyond us, but it seems fairly planned. Let’s face it, this kid will be a hipster Indie folk artist with an acoustic guitar before the age of 10 whether he likes it or not.
15. CRINGE-WORTHY: Albee Shapiro
This past year, Scandal actress Katie Lowes and her actor husband, Adam Shapiro, welcomed a new baby boy into the world. All caught up in the euphoria of their new baby, they went and named the poor kid Albee. Now, we’ve never heard this name, but apparently, people do use it. It’s a variation of Albert from the High German name Adalbrecht. At the end of the day, however, it’s Albee. Albee sounds like a perpetual baby’s name. Like, you would never call a grown man Albee. It’s like the name Joey in that way. So now, this kid will become Al, but when people call him Albert, he’ll have to correct them and say it’s actually Albee. Truthfully, it reminds us of Coraline’s neighbor from Coraline.
14. CRINGE-WORTHY: Gunner Stone
We all knew that Spencer Pratt was going to do something stupid when it came to naming his child. We thought maybe Heidi Montag would veto any terrible names he threw out there, but she must have lost the fight. They settled on Gunner Stone. Now, this isn’t the worst name without context. But knowing the kind of knob that Pratt is, you just know that he chose this name as some sort of statement. This is kind of like a city guy buying a pickup truck, raising it, and giving it enormous tires knowing damn well that he’ll never haul anything or take it anywhere that’ll need such tires. This is Spencer Pratt. He named his kid Gunner Stone because he thinks he’s hardcore. There’s a scary prospect here under the surface. Montag and Pratt have said that they want more kids. If Pratt gets his way, we might have a couple of kids named Gunner Stone and Rock Crusher walking around in a few years.
13. CRINGE-WORTHY: Bodhi Soleil
Maybe this judgement is more about the parents than the name itself. Nikki Reed and Ian Somerhalder are insufferable. We love hearing about people helping out others and just being kind people, which Reed and Somerhalder appear to be, but their social media accounts are jam-packed with eye-rolling posts. Just everything they do seems contrived. This is the kind of couple that would build a house around a shrub because the bush’s soul spoke to them and they couldn’t bear to kill it. So, move it! In a way, we all knew they were going to name their child something like Bodhi (Sanskrit concept for awakening) Soleil (French for sun). Maybe not that exact pairing, but something like this. The Soleil likely has a double meaning (son), which suggests that the child is the couple’s awakening. Barf.
12. CRINGE-WORTHY: Sienna Princess
As soon as Ciara got pregnant with Russell Wilson‘s kid, we knew that we were in for a real doozy of a name. After all, this is the woman who allowed her ex-fiance to name their child after his rapper name, Future. That’s right. The rapper that goes by the stage name Future (Nayvadius DeMun Wilburn) named his son Future. That’s like Marshall Mathers naming his child Slim Shady or Eminem. It’s ludicrous and offensive to the institution of naming children. Either way, Ciara left Future, probably because of his inability to name a child properly, and got married to football star Wilson and then got pregnant with his kid. They named their child Sienna Princess. Bad but still better than Future.
11. CRINGE-WORTHY: Lea De Seine
We’re going to make some assumptions here, so bare with us. If we’re wrong, so be it. We apologize to Bradley Cooper and his wife, Irina Shayk, if that’s the case. They just had a baby girl and named her Lea De Seine. Now, this isn’t so bad at a glance. But we believe that this is a conception-inspired name. We’ve seen other parents do it before, naming their kids after the place that they were conceived, such as Brooklyn, Dallas, or Toyota Corolla Backseat. Why do parents do this? Do they honestly believe that kids want to be reminded of their parents’ baby-making process? Oh, Lea De Seine, what does your name mean? Well, it means “from Seine.” My parents were holidaying in France nine months before I was born. They had some wine and, yeah, the rest is kind of graphic.
10. CRINGE-WORTHY: Lyric Dean
Obviously, it makes sense that the great songwriter A.J. McLean of the Backstreet Boys would be influenced by the word “lyric.” Lyrics were the heart of soul of BSB’s music. McLean is a guy who helped write the lyrics “Everybody, yeah. Rock your body, yeah. Everybody, yeah. Rock your body right. Backstreet’s back, alright.” So, when it came to name his child, McLean reached deep into his soul and chose the word that meant the most to him. Now, we have Lyric Dean. Even though we have Lyric listed as a cringe-worthy name, it could have been worse. McLean could have used the other major influences in his life. We could have seen Hair Gel Dean, Frosted Tips Dean, or Crack Cocaine Dean.
9. CRINGE-WORTHY: Dauphinoise Petunia Brittany Scheherazade Von Funkinstein Mustard Witch RBG Cross Tamblyn-Bey Jr.
There was a process to considering this name. Obviously, our first instinct is to take the announcement of David Cross‘ and Amber Tamblyn‘s kid as a joke. It’s hilarious. It’s clear that they are doing one of three things—mocking the gullibility of the media, mocking their fellow celebrities, or just acting crazy and having some fun. Whatever it was, Cross and Tamblyn announced that their daughter’s name was Dauphinoise Petunia Brittany Scheherazade Von Funkinstein Mustard Witch RBG Cross Tamblyn-Bey Jr. But then, we got to thinking. These are celebrities. We’ve seen weirder names. We expect that the Scheherazade Von Funkinstein Mustard Witch RBG part of the name is a joke. But we wouldn’t be shocked if this poor girl’s name is Dauphinoise Petunia Brittany. Dauphinoise may sound pretty, French and exotic, but it’s scalloped potatoes. You can’t name a child after scalloped potatoes. We shall see what the real name is, and, if by some brief period of insanity, this is the real name of the child, may God have mercy on her soul.
8. STOLEN: Revel Morrison
Even if Matthew Morrison of Glee has a smile that looks like the Joker, we still like his child’s name. Even if that child will surely grow up and die from embarrassment after watching his dad rapping on Glee, he will have a fairly interesting name. Yes, the description of naming process that the parents took, saying, “We wanted to revel in our child,” makes us want to puke. But the name is kind of cool. The parents, Morrison and Renee Puente, thought so too, saying, “Revel, that is just so cool and we will call him Rev for short.” You’re right, Matthew Morrison and wife, we will call him Rev for short.
7. STOLEN: Eugene Isaac
When Oscar Isaac and his girlfriend, Elvira Lind, named their child Eugene, we thought it was a bit strange. Then, it turned sweet when we learned that the child was named after Oscar’s mother, Eugenia, who had passed away not long ago. Then, we got to thinking, damn, Eugene is kind of a good name now. It’s like people naming their animals after old white men, such as Bob, Bernie, or Albert. There’s nothing better than that. Sure, the trend may fade out and in 20 years, people with old men names will be mocked, but it’s cool for now. Currently, we don’t meet many young people named Eugene, so it’s a pretty unique name once again. We dig it and the story behind it. Since we don’t know any Eugenes personally, we do wonder if the short-form version of Eugene is Eug, like Donald Trump saying huge because that would be brilliant.
6. STOLEN: Hal Auden Cumberbatch
Hal may be just a regular name, but we chose it because it comes from a guy whose name is Benedict. We fully expected Benedict Cumberbatch to name his son something like Sir Reginald Niels Cumberbatch. But we didn’t get that, did we? We got Hal. Now, you may notice that we’ve been treating these children as if they were named for us. Well, in a way, they kind of were. This is how it works with celebrities. Everyone knows that they do everything for attention. It’s basic math. So, this was Benedict’s opportunity to throw a hail Mary, but he played it safe and punted, and we like it. It was subtle. Go, Hal Cumberbatch. Oh, and Sophie Hunter is the wife and mother of the child.
5. STOLEN: Maya Gadot
We will applaud everything Gal Gadot does. That being said, we would love the name Maya even if it didn’t come from a goddess. It’s not the most original name anymore, but it’s nice. We’re not sure what the inspiration behind the name was, but it is interesting that the name does have Greek and Roman origins. This might have been influenced by Gadot’s turn as Wonder Woman. However, if that is true, there is some strange relation going on there. In Greek mythology, Maia was the eldest of the Pleiades. She mothered Hermes with Zeus. Diana Prince was fathered by Zeus. That means, in the magical world of influence, Maia’s baby daddy is also her grandfather.
4. STOLEN: Mabel Grace
Not going to lie, we were close to adding Topher Grace and his wife, Ashley Hinshaw, Grace’s child, Mabel Grace, to the cringe pile, but we changed our minds. We’re not really sure why, but the combination of old timer first name Mabel and the last name Grace just sounds classy. Overall, it’s a good name. Mabel is hilarious. More than 100 years ago, it was one of the most popular names in the world for a woman. It became pretty much obsolete 50 years ago but has gained in popularity once again. A little girl named Mabel Grace is pretty sweet.
3. STOLEN: Amalia Portman/Millepied
Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepied have named their new daughter Amalia, and we’re big fans. Like some of these other names, it’s not the originality that makes a name worthy of our acceptance. Simply naming your child a unique name like Equatorial Clooney does not make it a good name. Amalia may be more common these last few years, but it is still nice. It’s like Emilia but with an “A.” Do you see the appeal now?
2. STOLEN: Ford Hammer
When the dad’s name is Armie, you know the child will have the whitest richest name around. True to form, Armie Hammer and his wife, Elizabeth Chambers, named their child Ford. The name Ford is about as white as it gets. If you meet someone named Ford, you automatically assume that this person comes from old oil money. While Armie Hammer nor his wife Elizabeth come from oil money, they were likely inspired by it. Wait, we just checked. It turns out that Armie Hammer does come from oil money. How funny is that? Hammer’s grandfather was an oil tycoon. See? We told you! Ford Hammer. Jesus, that’s a masculine name. In all honesty, though, we like it. The last name Hammer makes it seem sillier than it is, but Ford on its own is a good name.
1. STOLEN: Grey Sims/Stuber
Grey is name that popped up in the last couple of decades. Before the turn of the century, this word used to be a color. Look at how far it has come. Molly Sims, the mother, is an actress that you’ll remember from that show Las Vegas. Maybe not, but she was there throughout the entire run. She’s also been a very successful model and has done some music videos. Well, Molly Sims and her producer husband, Scott Stuber, chose to name their baby boy Grey. We heard this news and we’ll allow it. It’s a name that gives the baby some class and wisdom without being obnoxious or pretentious.