Watching your Gen-X (or older) parents come to grips with the latest technology is often a hilarious experience. From dads who think that copying and pasting the name of a Word document into an email lets the other person read it, to moms who can’t seem to get a text out without autocorrect making a total mess of it, you can be sure that giving your parents a tech gift this Christmas will lead to a whole lot of unintentional comedy.
Like the ape in 2001: A Space Odyssey who figures out that bones make great clubs, you’ll probably find yourself getting a ton of clueless and random texts and emails from parents who are made giddy by the rush of a fun new toy. Expect a lot of emojis (once they find the right button), occasional “Hey where are you?” texts, the odd “Hey look at this weird picture I found,” and so on. They may drive you nuts.
There’s one thing to remember, though. Just because they’ve gotten older, doesn’t mean your parents have forgotten how to roast their kids. In fact, given some of the savage texts below, it almost seems like these parents were just waiting for an opportunity. Some of these parents are totally over the crap their kids pull, others are just doing their best Triumph The Insult Comic Dog impression, roasting their offspring effortlessly and brutally. Let’s be honest though, the kids were probably asking for it.
15. The “Where Are You?” Dad
Geez. Now here’s a dad who, while they no doubt love their kid unconditionally, is totally over their sarcasm. I mean, who hasn’t responded to an earnest parental request with a response like this at one point in their life? I know I have. We know you have too. Some parents get totally out of control with the “Where are you?” stuff, but in this case, dad gets sweet revenge. The best thing about this is that the kid was likely so impressed with his father’s burn that they were the one who uploaded this image. Bravo dad, bravo. You really made your tech-loving son proud with this sarcastic but hilarious response.
14. Cruel Intentions
This is the 2017 version of your mom yelling up the stairs to get their kid’s attention. While that never really works, texting is a surefire way to get a kid’s attention, seeing as how millennials have seemingly evolved to be more adept at emoji usage than regular, face to face conversation. They might not answer back though, especially if the texts are about boring stuff like visiting far-away relatives and doing chores. This mom tries to get her kid’s attention to do the dishes and their homework but gets totally ignored. A free car, though? You’d have to be a billionaire to find that boring. Good call mom, and good burn.
13. Yes, Your Mom Is Savage
Oh man. It’s hard to overestimate how insecure teenage girls can be about their appearance, although they definitely have their reasons, as well as some negative reinforcement here and there. Considering that, this mom’s burn is especially 3rd-degree, we’re talking grease fire at a gas station-level heat here. What’s also kind of interesting about this one is that recently, clowns have been sighted here and there in the US and other countries, just standing in fields and wandering around industrial areas of major cities. Hey mom, what if your daughter is about to be snatched up by a killer clown? This could have been an emergency! Probably not, though.
12. Don’t Half-A** It
Everyone’s been accused, at some point in their life, of “Half-assing” a project at work or in school. Not working up to one’s ability and putting the effort in is something everybody needs to stop doing, as it only holds you back. But then, there’s also referring to basically any object as a “Whole-ass” something, and that’s just pure dumb. This momma is right on the nose here with her text message. She’s got her kid when it comes to the facts on this one. It’s true. Nobody has ever had a half-ass baby. Just ask any mom who’s spent 12+ hours in labor, they’ll tell you…
11. Mom: The Default Friend
Ouch. Okay, so there’s probably a pretty good explanation for this. This kid probably loses her phone all the time and is constantly asking her mom to help her find it. If that’s the case, I could see her getting annoyed with you. Did you try the couch? If it’s not stuck between your headboard and wall, it’s probably there. Or your coat, did you try there? I mean seriously, you mom’s not your servant over there. Wow, a few texts in and I’m already taking sides. But seriously though, stop losing your damn phone, kid. Money doesn’t grow on trees, the garbage won’t take itself out, etc, etc…
10. Dad’s Prehistoric Text
In 2017, taking your kid’s phone away is probably considered by them as cruel and unusual punishment. How else will they look at their important cat videos, text their friends about buying “green”, send “hey” texts to their crushes, and the rest of that stuff? Seriously, consider chopping a limb off, preferably a leg so they can still play Candy Crush, before taking their phone. It’s a traumatic experience. I’m sure the recipient of this prehistoric paper-style text (I think they were called letters in a time lost to history) is feeling the pain over the loss of their beloved phone and probably cried, even as that poorly-drawn emoji laughed at their pain.
9. Yeah, You’re Probably Not Getting That Car
PDS is Pretty Damn Savage. That would about sum up the slams delivered by this dad, who has no doubt just discovered the brave new world of internet speak. With this new knowledge, Savage Dad steps out of the shadows to deliver a crushing blow to his kid’s hopes and dreams. It’s funny how dangling the promise of a car (or taking that promise back) can alter the behaviour of kids. It’s as if they don’t understand that no, leaving your coat in the living room, or leaving your dirty dishes in the sink, wouldn’t be a big deal if done a few times, but every single day? Kid, do you even want that damn car? Clean your room already.
8. Beware Of Moth
Getting surreal for a minute, we have this innovative dad, who chooses, instead of running to his daughter’s aid to deal with the winged intruder, to severely mess with her instead. It may read as just a funny response to an overreacting kid’s text, but seriously though, have you ever been around someone who is terrified of moths, and then have one fly by? You would think Godzilla had touched down in their bedroom closet and was laying waste to the city block. Even a text like this might totally push them over the edge. In short, daughter cried herself to sleep, was not saved.
7. Dad Jokes “R” US
Ah, would this list be complete without that old staple of parental texting, the dad joke? Whether the joke is about noses and running refrigerators, a dentist appointment at “Tooth hurty” or dancing kleenexes (put a little boogie in them), they seem to be a perennial parenting favorite. Buy them a joke book for their birthday, it will not help. Nothing will save you from the onslaught of bad dad jokes, he may even know hundreds, or thousands he’s just waiting to spring on you. Yes, turkeys smell. Probably quite bad. And yes, they do use their beaks, dad. We get it. Please don’t burn dinner.
6. ICE Daddy’s Not Having It
Keeping on with the car theme (sort of), this dad probably has a kid who overachieves on the regular and doesn’t have any sense of when they’re actually bragging or not. Could be that the kid’s just proud of their new best time, but dad’s just not having it. Maybe the kid dented the family van last week while zooming around with their pals, playing music way too loud and getting mud all over the seats. Maybe they got a speeding ticket that was delivered to this unimpressed dad. Who knows, but Ice Daddy’s not going to let their kid forget their need for speed just yet.
5. Passive Aggression, Thy Name Is Mom
Moms are masters of the guilt trip and passive aggression, and the advent of texting seems to have only made the most clever of them more adept at delivering subtle savagery. Here, we see the kid being simultaneously being chastised for not contacting their mom enough, while being also told “Mom’s too busy, very big day, but I’ll text YOU back when it’s convenient.” No dad jokes in sight, moms often exploit the fact that with a well-worded text, they can really deliver a painful jab to the guilt centres of their kid’s brains. Well played mom, well played.
4. Playing Favorites
Everyone with siblings knows that there’s always a favorite, even if they say they love you all equally or whatever. Gravity pulls things down, the sun is hot, water is wet, and parents have a favorite. But finding out like this, ouch. That’s gotta sting. There’s a level of savagery here that seems almost unintentional, it’s so harsh. Seeing how excited the kid gets about their new phone (so they think), only to see it cruelly ripped away from them… A universe is truly an uncaring place. Oh also, remember to take out the garbage, it’s your sister’s turn but she’s got a headache.
3. Settle Down, Party Dad
Some dads miss being kids. They had a pretty kick-ass time in their youth before responsibility reared its ugly head. One day they were throwing back brewskis and hitting on Jennifer’s hot friend, the next they were worried about the mortgage and which cable plan would suit their household the best. It’s a drag, so it’s somewhat understandable that this dad seems to want their kid to live it up. But hey, maybe that’s not this kid’s thing, maybe he’s a stay in and study type, or maybe this is a “Party” that involves Dungeons and Dragons or a few dozen rounds of Overwatch instead of keg stands. Dad loves you kid, and he’s not mad, he’s just disappointed in your party choices. Very Disappointed.
2. Can You Hear Me Now?
Ah, here we have a mom playing dumb. There’s a chance that this is just a case of a mom having a new phone, and not inputting her kid’s information right away. A chance, but it’s not likely, as many kids live in their mom’s contact list under cute nicknames, entered in the second mom gets said phone. No, what we have here is probably a mom who’s had enough. You’ll get your dinner kid, when you do all the chores you’ve been putting off. Mom’s clearly hoping that her kid picks up on the feigned ignorance of her response. A deep, annoyed “Mom sigh” will result if they don’t. Those are the worst.
1. Simple And Savage
Damn. Thought you were going to get the upper hand, didn’t you, son? Instead, Dad delivered this crushing blow to your self-esteem, showing you who’s boss once and for all. I mean wow, imagine actually getting this text. I want to meet this dad and shake his hand, simply for breaking free of the dad joke stereotype, and truly going deep to deliver a text that stands head and shoulders above the competition. Bravo dad, bravo. You might want to let your kid throw that party after all though, he’ll need a friend after seeing this stunning slam. Oh, wait… Scratch that.