We need to talk about unicorns. Look, I know they’re amazing—I spent most of yesterday writing in USB-powered unicorn slippers, for chrissakes. But have we taken things too far?
2016 saw an unprecedented spike in unicorn-themed foods and products, to the point where I’m surprised we haven’t started seeing news reports about unfortunate consumers impaled by glittery horns. (We did, after all, hear news that unicorns did once roam the globe, so it’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility.)
Sometimes it masquerades as a “rainbow food”; other times it’s a funfetti-splosion. Sometimes it’s even downright disgusting because for some reason we have decided the cutest things to unicorn (it’s a verb now, right?) are the nastiest: Farts, poop, barf, and more all have a rainbow-hued reimagining on Pinterest or Instagram somewhere.
So let’s take a step back and survey this magnificent kingdom of unicorns we’ve built… and then maybe consider starting a new trend for 2017. One that involves less glitter, preferably.
Just let me keep my slippers.
1) Unicorn bagels
Unicorn bagels started it all. The 800-calorie monstrosities originated at the Bagel Store in Brooklyn (where else?) before quickly spreading nationwide.
2) Unicorn chocolate
A later addition to the herd, unicorn chocolate was the brainchild of chocolatier Ritter Sport. It’s less sparkly, swirly, and rainbow-y than many of the others, but its rarity made it easily part of unicorn lore.
3) Unicorn toast
A pretty addition to your breakfast spread, no doubt, but the step-by-step instructions to re-create it are a complete pain in the ass.
“I use beet juice for the hot pink, freeze dried strawberry powder for the light pink, turmeric root juice for the orange/yellow, drops of chlorophyll for the light green, spirulina powder for the light blue, and freeze dried blueberry powder for the purple,” creator Adeline Waugh told Teen Vogue.
4) Unicorn tea
This time with the German: einhorn.
5) Unicorn bacon
Don’t lie to me; that’s just sour candy belts.
6) Unicorn hot chocolate
A hefty helping of marshmallows, sprinkles, and edible glitter top off this pink-dyed white cocoa drink.
7) Unicorn kiss seltzer
La Croix rival Polar launched a limited line of Unicorn Kisses seltzer just before April Fools Day 2016.
8) Unicorn bath bombs
The unicorn bath bomb appears to have been a limited-run cosmetic item over on ThinkGeek. Sure looks edible to us.
9) Unicorn farts
The people behind the Squatty Potty—the company that made frozen yogurt utterly inedible, thanks guys—released a new product into the wild called Unicorn Gold. The toilet spray is intended to block odors both above and below the surface of the water, so everyone can be convinced their shit don’t stink.
On the more charitable side of things, the Unicorn Children’s Foundation marketed these bags of unicorn farts (a.k.a. strawberry cotton candy) as a way to “support children with neurodiversity.”
10) Unicorn ice cream
Whether swirled with bright colors or covered in candy, unicorn ice cream is the quickest way to a brain freeze. Perhaps that dull headache is a reminder of the namesake’s horn?
11) Unicorn coffee
Mason Salisbury takes latte art to a new level with these colorful creations.
12) Unicorn burger
Don’t worry, it’s vegan, so no unicorns were harmed in the making of this burger.
13) Unicorn grilled cheese
Spotted in the wild with an without sprinkles, these innocuous sandwiches show off their magical side when the halves are pulled apart, revealing a rainbow of cheese in between.
14) Unicorn poop
These are just pastel-tinted meringues, but that little tip on top sure makes them look like they could’ve been made in a less-than-sterile environment.
15) Unicorn sushi
Sushi already has a tremendous pop of color to it when done right, but these folks take it one step further by dying the rice purple, yellow, and teal.
16) Unicorn pancakes
Best served, as seen here, with a side of Lucky Charms.
17) Unicorn barf
Unicorn barf comes in all shapes and sizes, but the common denominators are pops of color, marshmallows, and way, way too much sugar.
18) Unicorn donuts
Go the easy way out with brightly colored or pastel frosting, or do the elaborate fondant decoration to make your donuts look like little unicorn faces.
19) Unicorn snot
Unicorn snot is just a glittery cosmetic product, but it’s virtually guaranteed to make you feel like a pretty, pretty princess with a magical pony.
20) Unicorn tears
Surprise! Not sprinkles.